you're doing it the wrong way.

I honestly couldn't remember the last time that I cried myself to sleep, but today it happened.
I'm so sick of treating others as a priority and then being treated as an option.
This whole week has been a total mess, and today I guess I couldn't handle it anymore.
I try so, so hard to do everything the right way, but I don't see any rewarding for that.
I'm mad and disappointed.

Good old days*

"Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up".

The turning point.

Hey there .
It's been a long long time since the last time I came here, and thankfully my life suffered a huge change since then.
A few months ago I'd spend the days at home snuggled between the sheets trying to forget or  ignore everything that was outside the door. I had a sence of emptiness as if I had lost something but I couldn't really tell what it was.
Now, a couple of months later I can honestly tell that I'm a new, happy and "positive" woman. Coming to college did give my life a turn and a meaning.
    At first it was all really "shady", I was now living in a city where I didn't really had any contact or friendship with anyone - new school, new class mates, new system, new city, new house ... everything was so damn different from what I was used to deal with in my every day routine.
    I'd cry myself to sleep in the first couple of nights, I missed my parents, my house, my old school, and all the people I left behind - nothin' seemed to make any sence.
Then it started to change. I met my class mates and I thought - "they're pretty cool actually."- Everything started to come together and I realized that HERE is where I belong. As I previously said, the thing that hurted me the most was leaving my old life behind, and now as ironic as it might sound I never felt so good and happy about it.
Being able to start over and leaving all the ghosts and mistakes from tthe past behind is exactly was I needed to do. My life was finally "still" and I had control of it, I felt "THE CAPITAIN" for the first time. I had it all planed but  .... then he showed up.



Daisy Sullivan
A- The girl next door.

3:00 am chat.

 It's 03:00 am and I'm sitting in my bed, wanting to fall asleep but that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon. I need to talk with someone and this is the closest to a friend I have at the moment.
I feel so stupid - crying in my living room over God knows what and complaining about my life when it could be way worse. What the hell is happening? Is this the effects of going out every night and seeing people in love or just my feet hurting like hell plus me trying to discover a way to walk without "breaking the water bubble" ( if that's even an expression, I'm really loosing it right now).
I need my people near me , I really don't know what I am doing. Why am I crying? Life seems to be so kind to me and all I do is point negative things about it.
I don't feel good about myself. When I go out I feel like the real me is not good enough and I put a smile on my face and put on the character of the " smilie girl" , I tell jokes and make fun of the tiniest thing ... Then I come home and I feel bad and most of the times cry because I'm actually sad about myself. This role play is making me feel numb and my self-steam is definitely shattered.
What do I do? Lock myself at home and never leave? Go out and put it all out so everyone can see my weaknesses? I feel way to insecure to "open up" to other people.
Honestly, there are times when I think if I'll ever be able to be the joyful me, the girl that didn't had to deal with her problems, because I didn't had any and I still don't. It just seems that I'll never be The Girl, no one looks at me and thinks : "she's amazing" , I need to hear this, I need to feel appreciated.
I feel too fat, too ugly, too dumb, too stupid, too this, too that .... I just don't like myself.
I honestly feel that unless I lose weight, do something about my posture or just the way I act I will never fit in. Having my friends telling me that " stop saying that, that's not true", doesn't help me, it just makes it all hurt even more, because they know I'm the one who's right, they just say it to make me feel better.
The few people I loved in life run away , found their way without me and I look back and wonder if they going away was my fault.
I need to turn this around.

Having a rough day....

I wonder if all this drama is meant to be ... How am I supposed to get rid of this emptiness? The feeling of never being good enough at anything or to anyone is taking its toal on me. They say that love is louder than the pressure to be perfect, but lately I've been thinking about everything that I've been through and I don't think it is true anymore...
Am I destined to be alone and crying myself to sleep every night over something that I can't even define ? I feel lonely and I'm tired of this overwhelming feeling.
Everyone has their happy ending and Prince Charming ... I'm hoping for my fairy tale too.
   I'm having a hell of a tough day and I just needed to vent. 
I'm still looking for my safe haven, will I ever find it ?
At the end of the day I'm just a messed up girl living her messed up life.
X.



A- the girl next door.

To my beloved best friend *

       It's so stupid how we only realize how much the people we hang out with every day mean to us, when we are about to lose them. I've met a lot of people throughout high school, but none of them ever compared to you. You've been there for me since the beggining, remember when I was that shy girl that was too embarassed to talk with anyone ?
 I know, it's hard to remember me as a calm and sweet little girl, but one day I happened to be that sort of person, not this silly freak you now call best friend xD
        You were there for me when I honestly had no one to turn to, you were my safe haven, the one I ever felt safe with, and you would hold my and and give me your shoulder to cry on , even when I least deserved it.
You were the one that would guide me into the right direction and most important would tell me when I was acting the wrong way.
They say that we'll meet a lot of people through life but only some of them will leave footprints on our heart, you left a huge one love.
        The thought of you going so far away makes me numb, how am I supposed to live without one of the most important persons in my life? Just promisse me that no matter how many miles may lay between us, we'll never change; we'll never stop being these stupid dirty little freaks that can make a joke out of nothing and that are always there to make the other one laugh. I love you so damn much.
These tears that are streaming down my face are just a proof of how important you are to me , and that I treasure this friendship of ours more than anything in the world.
      Thank you for being a "boyfriend", a brother, a guider and the best friend that someone could ever ask for. " We might be apart but I hope you'll always know, you'll be with me wherever I go".
I hope one day, to be able to repay all you've done for me, I will never forget you!
Don't you ever let go of me, please!


With love and caring, your best friend

♥

A- the girl next door.

Summer night thoughts...

Hello mate*

It's been a while since the last time I've been here.

    Tomorrow I'm finishing my exams and hopefully I'll finish high school and enjoy my vacations. 

      The idea of moving to another city to go to college is exciting and scary at the same time, all I can think about is - how many new people I'll meet up with, my new school and all the fun I'll have with everybody. But I must confess that being without mom and dad is actually scary, they've been my huge support throughout my whole life and  the thought of me moving away, even not too far away, it's not something that I'm happy about.

     I'm looking forward to go to college and meet someone, someone that eventually I'll  build up  a relationship with, someone that can be more than just my friend. That's something that has definitly been missing in my life, maybe because I made it that way, but I really want to find that one speacial person that I can call mine, and that won't get up and leave when things get rough. Being able to create that sort of bond with someone is something that I really miss and that I really want to get back.

Hopefully I'll have lots of fun this summer and everything will be just fine, no worries, no dramas - just me , my mates , sun , the beach and lots good moments.

    It's so weird to look back and think how fast it all went, it's seems like yesterday I moved to my current hometown and met all the people in school, and now 3 years have past and we're on our way to start a new chapter in life, where unfortunatly most of the people we spent all this time with will be left behind. It's sad but it is the course of life - it goes on.

 Cheers , 

A - the girl next door.