It's 03:00 am and I'm sitting in my bed, wanting to fall asleep but that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon. I need to talk with someone and this is the closest to a friend I have at the moment.
I feel so stupid - crying in my living room over God knows what and complaining about my life when it could be way worse. What the hell is happening? Is this the effects of going out every night and seeing people in love or just my feet hurting like hell plus me trying to discover a way to walk without "breaking the water bubble" ( if that's even an expression, I'm really loosing it right now).
I need my people near me , I really don't know what I am doing. Why am I crying? Life seems to be so kind to me and all I do is point negative things about it.
I don't feel good about myself. When I go out I feel like the real me is not good enough and I put a smile on my face and put on the character of the " smilie girl" , I tell jokes and make fun of the tiniest thing ... Then I come home and I feel bad and most of the times cry because I'm actually sad about myself. This role play is making me feel numb and my self-steam is definitely shattered.
What do I do? Lock myself at home and never leave? Go out and put it all out so everyone can see my weaknesses? I feel way to insecure to "open up" to other people.
Honestly, there are times when I think if I'll ever be able to be the joyful me, the girl that didn't had to deal with her problems, because I didn't had any and I still don't. It just seems that I'll never be The Girl, no one looks at me and thinks : "she's amazing" , I need to hear this, I need to feel appreciated.
I feel too fat, too ugly, too dumb, too stupid, too this, too that .... I just don't like myself.
I honestly feel that unless I lose weight, do something about my posture or just the way I act I will never fit in. Having my friends telling me that " stop saying that, that's not true", doesn't help me, it just makes it all hurt even more, because they know I'm the one who's right, they just say it to make me feel better.
The few people I loved in life run away , found their way without me and I look back and wonder if they going away was my fault.
I need to turn this around.